The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women's Infidelity (2017) published by Lexington Books
DESCRIPTION
Using a sample collected from Ashley Madison, this book is the result of a yearlong inquiry into women’s extramarital experiences. Ultimately, these women reject the binary proposition of marriage that assumes that either we work on our marriages and remain monogamous within them, or we break up the relationship and take up other relationships. These women conceive of an alternate solution to a marriage that is not wholly working, where their own needs are ignored, unmet, and not prioritized. Thus, the women in this study are engaging in secret defiance of the expectations of marriage and primary partnerships. This book gives voice to women’s experiences and perceptions regarding their participation in infidelity, and glimpses into the interworkings of our most intimate relationships, and the ways women negotiate marriages that fall short of their expectations.
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Book Review of The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife: Power, Pragmatism, and Pleasure in Women’s Infidelity appearing in Sexualities by Cristen Dalessandro (click to download)
REVIEWS
“Walker—an assistant professor of sociology at Missouri State University—does research that forces us to rethink not only female sexuality but our most cherished and basic beliefs about what women do and are, what they want and how they behave, and the role that context plays. Walker explodes several of our most dearly held notions about female infidelity: that women cheat only when they are unhappy in their marriages; that unlike men, they seek emotional connection, not sexual gratification, from affairs; and that like Diane Lane’s character in Unfaithful, who literally falls and skins her knee, thus attracting the attention of the man with whom she has tryst after hot tryst, women “just” stumble into affairs. Walker, who has blonde hair, favors red lipstick, and speaks with a touch of a Southern drawl, is well aware that her findings demolish certain familiar stereotypes. She is also conscious of the profound discomfort this might cause, and more than once told me she hoped that readers of the book she wrote based on her study of female infidelity, The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife, would not shoot the messenger as they took in just how different women who commit infidelity are from our comforting clichés about them. But her email signature includes a quote from the French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu, one she lives: “My goal is to contribute to preventing people from being able to utter all kinds of nonsense about the social world.”--Wednesday Martin, author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything we Believe about Women, Lust, and Infidelity is Wrong
“In this engaging study of men’s infidelity Walker carefully details the complicated emotional terrain of men’s intimate lives. In doing so she reveals the myriad ways heterosexuality and monogamy shape men’s experiences of relationships, desire and commitment. An important read for those worried about the state of marriage and monogamy.” — C.J. Pascoe, Associate Professor, University of Oregon
“From “bad in bed” to “the best they’ve ever had,” Walker weaves together men’s personal stories of infidelity to reveal a journey from resentment to redemption. Is it discovery? Or delusion? You be the judge.” — Lisa Wade, Sociology, Gender and Sexuality Studies, Newcomb Institute, Tulane University, author of American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus
“Dr. Walker deftly uses social theory and in-depth interviews to explain how social expectations and gender dynamics contribute to the motivations and experiences of men who have affairs. This book will make you rethink your stereotypes about men, and why some 'cheat' on their partners and wives. Sure to be a classic in gender, sexuality and family studies!” — Arielle Kuperberg, PhD, Associate Professor of Sociology and Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies at UNC Greensboro and Editor-in-chief of the Council on Contemporary Families Blog @ The Society Pages
“In this book, Walker challenges commonly held assumptions about marital infidelity through a deeply intriguing qualitative exploration of the extramarital experiences of men seeking emotional fulfillment deemed not present in their primary relationships. The rich narrative and unique methodology of Chasing Masculinity is guaranteed to boost student engagement and stimulate robust discussion within a variety of course delivery platforms on topics including marriage and family, sex and gender, human sexuality, and research methods.” — Michele Lee Kozimor, Professor of Sociology; Editor, Teaching Sociology, Elizabethtown College
“In Chasing Masculinity, Walker examines the experiences of men in the United States who purposely sought out extramarital relationships on the site Ashley Madison. She challenges our preconceived notions and understandings of why men “cheat.” Walker artfully appraises our cultural obsession with infidelity and, by extension, monogamy. She highlights the complexity of negotiating fragile masculinity in often highly sexualized contexts. Memorable quotes and stories allow the reader to question the norms and institutions surrounding romantic relationships. This book is one individuals will talk about long after they finish reading.” – Barbara F. Prince, Assistant Professor of Sociology, Lebanon Valley College
“This compelling new book challenges many taken-for-granted assumptions about why men cheat and the types of men who cheat. By examining men’s motivations to pursue affairs online, Walker highlights the emotional aspects of men’s external relationships, revealing that cheating is not just about sex for men. This captivating book thoughtfully considers the complexities of masculinity, intimacy, and infidelity in the digital age, and is highly enjoyable to read.” — Nicole Andrejek, McMaster University, Research Assistant for the Sex in Canada research project
“Why do men cheat? Through interviews with dozens of cheaters, Alicia Walker sets aside assumptions about infidelity and shows that cheating helps men bolster masculinity. By seeking non-marital sexual—and emotional—connections, men reassure themselves that they are desirable and sexually skilled. They interpret cheating as a way to actually preserve their marriages, while ignoring many of the root causes of their relationship problems such as gender inequality. This is a must read for anyone interested in sexuality or gender.” — Tony Silva, Assistant Professor of Sociology at the University of British Columbia
“In certain marriages, behind smiling family photographs, are everyday women who carry dangerous and delectable secrets. In this revealing new book, they tell their stories. Unwilling to divorce, but frustrated by sexual boredom and the tedium of modern middle class life, their affairs serve as a release valve for an otherwise stultifying reality. Full of contradictions, Walker’s interviewees offer a window onto the ‘cheating wife,’ one that challenges our assumptions about women, power, morality, and monogamy itself.” — Lisa Wade, Occidental College
“This fascinating and well written book develops a sociology of infidelity, bringing insight into marriage, monogamy, relationships, and internet dating that will be useful for researchers examining relationships, professors teaching classes about the family, sexuality, and gender, and counselors of patients who are involved with infidelity. I was intrigued by the details of how women who cheat think about their actions, form and negotiate the details of their affairs, and the benefits and drawbacks they get from those affairs. The distinct social norms around affairs reveal what we often take for granted in other relationships. Many of my assumptions about affairs were overturned, and it was a fun read too!” — Arielle Kuperberg, The University of North Carolina at Greensboro
“The Secret Life of the Cheating Wife challenges gendered stereotypes and expectations of what and how women desire. Using compelling data, Walker demonstrates both diversity and commonality among unfaithful women and, in a truly sociological way, makes sense of the complexity of this stigmatized identity. A great read for anyone interested in sexualities in the digital age.” — Beth Montemurro, Penn State University, Abington